You’re crazy! You’re a bitch! You’re a mess! I wish you’d just get your shit together! Why can’t you be normal? Just get out of bed! It’s like you’re two different people! It’s all in your head! You’re just lazy! Good for nothing! Worthless! Pathetic!
These are just a few of the things I’ve heard over the years in my struggle with my mental health. Some of these things have been said by friends. Some of these things have been said by lovers. And some of these things I’ve said to myself.
Have you ever had a bad day? I mean, a really bad day. You wake up late. Forget the most important thing that you needed for work at home, but you’re already late, so you have to make up an excuse not only about your lateness, but about your not bringing that important thing. Your boss calls you in the office to “discuss” your performance or lack there of. You then begin to cry, but it’s only eleven AM, so you have to keep working and act like someone didn’t just make you feel like an idiot, when you know you’re not. Then, you start doubting yourself and start believing what was said. Next, no one asks you to join them for lunch because you look like you’re having one of your “days”. You try to work, but the thoughts play in your head like a CD stuck on repeat. You accomplish nothing, but more failure and your closest coworker gets mad at you for not holding up your end of the bargain. You try to tell them that you’re sorry. You try to tell them that you’ll do better, but they don’t believe you and you start not to believe yourself either. Finally, you go home only to think more about being worthless and wishing you could just die. You think that you’re probably just a burden on everyone and should just quit. Quit your job and life, itself. You’re hungry. No, you’re not hungry enough to fix anything, so you sit in silence and try to go to sleep early. Ha! The Sandman laughs in your face. Sleep doesn’t come because you continue to listen to that CD. Over and over. You believe it. You know you’re just a pathetic human being. Then you finally fall asleep miraculously, only to be awoken by a nightmare that you’re being thrown in a dumpster filled with other people “just like you”. Then, much to your dismay, your alarm goes off and it’s time to start the struggle of life for one more day.
Sounds like hell, doesn’t it? It sounds unreal.
It was a day in my life. On my “down” days, I felt like this. Sometimes even worse. So your worst day, is a day in the life of someone with bipolar disorder when they cycle down. Oh sure, I cycle up, too. Here’s what that feels like…
You are woken up by your alarm and today, you don’t feel like throwing it across the room. Could it be? You’re not sure yet. You get ready for work and today you feel like listening to the radio. What? You get to work and say hello to everyone you see. Good Morning, everybody!! You start your workday and do your work without interruptions of doubt. All of the sudden, while chatting with your favorite coworker you both realize that it’s almost time to go home. Already? Awesome! You drive home, windows down, singing your favorite song and thinking that sunlight is pretty great. When you get home, you cook your favorite meal and enjoy it in front of the TV, watching your favorite rerun of Friends. (The Prom Video, obviously) Then you take a nice warm bath, look in the mirror one last time and smile. Today was your day! Today was an amazing day! You pick up that novel you’ve been meaning to read and then fall asleep easily, without the constant feeling of worthlessness.
Sounds like a pretty good day, right? Sounds like what most people would call a normal day. For me, these days are precious. They are coveted. I yearn for these days. I beg for these days and when they come they’re gone too soon.
I haven’t always been bipolar. I’ve been to so many doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists. I’ve been told I’m depressed. I have anxiety disorder. I’m just hormonal. I need to exercise more. I should just eat better. I have toxic people in my life and if I rid myself of them, then I’ll be fine. Fine, they said. But, fine never came. Fine felt a million miles away.
So, I started doing research. I listened to some of those closest to me. One ex said I acted like two different people. He named them “Allison and Callison”. It took 10 years before I knew what that meant. I’m not two different people, but my brain just might be. So, I called an emergency mental health hotline. No, I wasn’t having a true mental health emergency, but I needed someone to listen to this epiphany. I needed someone to listen. I needed some one to listen to ME. Not judge me. Not try to over analyze me. And not throw the latest pill at me and tell me it’s been a miracle for other patients. So, he listened while I explained what I knew in my heart was finally right. I think I’m bipolar, I said. I had actually said it. Bipolar.
The next step was making an appointment with yet another psychologist. But, this time was different. I had an idea of what to say. I’d never been completely open with any provider before, but this time I was. I explained my lifelong battle with my brain. And she listened. She gave me a test. It wasn’t long. I had to answer about twenty questions. I answered all, but a select few, with a resounding YES. I didn’t know what the test was for, but I knew whatever it was, it understood me. The results? Bipolar Type 2, with hypo-mania. YES!! I knew it. But, wait. What the hell do I do now? Another pill? No. That’s not why I came. Pills don’t work for me. I should know. I’d been on every single one. But, she was adamant that this pill was for bipolar disorder. This pill was “right” for me. I gave in. I went to the pharmacy and filled it.
Then, I waited. They always say to wait two to three weeks before you give up.
I waited three days. Yes, three days. On day four I woke up different. Good different. Something felt good. Not high, good. But, I just felt good. What? No self loathing this morning? No hatred of all things morning? Ok. That’s great. Now, I’ll need to go on and get up. I have things to do. I got up. I showered and dressed and then I had an errand to run. I hopped in my car and immediately turned on the radio. I rolled the windows down and began driving. About three miles down the road I came to a stoplight. One of those looong stoplights that if you don’t hit at just the right time, you’ll sit forever. So, I sat. I looked around at all of the other people in their cars. Some just sitting. Some on the phone. And some smiling at me. Why were they smiling, I thought. Oh, shit! I’m smiling, too. Then, it hit me! I’m happy. And I began to cry. I cried because I was happy. I cried because I felt what most people call normal. And right there at that stoplight, I knew my struggle had just gotten a little easier. So, I cried some more. I cried for the years I’d missed not feeling this way. Then, I stopped crying. I stopped because I wanted too. I stopped because I could.
So, what now? I had a diagnosis and a medication that managed it. I felt like someone or something had given me back my life. No, wait. I felt like someone or something had finally given me life.
And, so goes the beginning of my life with bipolar disorder. Is it always as easy as it was that fourth day? No. Is it ever as bad as my worst day? No. I still cycle up and down. Just not as frequently and not as high or as low. I’ve had to add some medications and I’ve taken a few away, but right now I’m managed. I still deal with the stigma. How many times have I heard someone laugh at someone else’s expense and joke that they must be bipolar? A lot. I just kind of look down and smile to myself. They don’t know what they’re saying. They don’t know what it’s like. They don’t know that every single day is a battle. But, they also don’t know that I’m finally winning.
Nicely written x Good luck on your journey, may you have more and more days like those 🙂
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Again, than you, Billy! This was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever written and probably the most important. Being Bipolar shouldn’t change the way people think of me (although, I’m sure after this post it does). Being bipolar doesn’t define me. It’s just a part of my person. May your days be filled with the same fulfilling feeling. Bipolar isn’t scary. It’s just a part of us that makes us, us. Perfectly imperfect, love.
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Great post! You write really well. I would love to reblog this sometime, since my blog does focus on mental illness and mental illness stigma. Bookmarking for future reference.
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Thank you for your support, Lucky! Like I said, I’m new to this and having someone like you not only give me a compliment, but want to reblog something I’ve written makes me so happy!! You’ve reignited my desire to blog more!!
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Yay!
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Hi, Lucky! I was wondering if you’d ever decided to reblog this post? I sincerely hope you will. It’s probably most important thing I’ve written all year and I’m hoping it can reach more people! Thank you, Lucky! Let me know what you think!
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Let me take a look. I probably can!
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Thank you!!
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Surprise! I aleady reblogged it. Thank you for a great post. 🙂
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Such a great post!!
M x
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Thank you! I’m glad you liked it. Will you be using it? My hope in writing it was that I would reach people with it.
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Absolutely! I will drop you an email lovely – M x
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Reblogged this on Lucky Otter's Haven and commented:
Very readable and relevant article about living with Bipolar disorder and dealing with people who still insist on stigmatizing mental illness. Thank you, “Mama”! 🙂
Please leave comments under the original post.
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What a positive post. Thank you so much for sharing your encouraging story
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Thank you for your comment!
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Thank you for the follow and I sent the link to your post to a former colleague who suffers from this. We worked together for 11 years
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Great! No one’s alone in this fight. If your friend needs someone to talk to, or if you do, I’m always here!
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So kind of you to say this. I could recall some of your story in my own life when I was young an insecure
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Congratulations on being managed! It’s the Holy Grail of mental illness.
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Thank you! It really is the Holy Grail, isn’t it? I’m lucky to have found my “cocktail” and although I still have bad days, I can finally say the majority of my days are good!
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I have bi-polar as well and reading this touched my heart in ways I can’t properly explain. Every single day really is a struggle, but it’s gotten easier to deal with over the years as I’ve grown, gotten a good support system, and connected with others that deal with this. I think of everything you said, my favorite line is, “But, they also don’t know I’m finally winning.” I’m so happy you’re at that place, where it doesn’t define you and you let it reach out to others. ♡
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Thank you! My wish for you is that you can be in the same place. Thanks for your comment. I’m glad you read my it and took something away from it!
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Some days, I feel like I’m winning. Others, not so much, but I’m committed to fighting my demons every day, no matter how hard it might be at times.
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Please keep fighting! Just know that there are others just like you who are on your team.
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I will, you do the same! And please know if you ever feel you’re not winning, I’m here to listen!
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Likewise.
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Thank you! We need to stick together!
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Checking in on you. Hoping you had a good start to your week!
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Aww, thank you! It’s been a fairly decent day for the most part. How about you?
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Pretty good. I just had major bowel resection surgery three weeks ago, so I was only able to work a half day, but I’ll be ok soon! I just thought I’d let you know that I’m still here if you’ve had a bad day. My email is immamabutimstillme@gmail.com, if you’d like to talk to me. Or if you need to! Either one. 🙂
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Prayers for healing! And thank you for your kindness and support. I’m here if you need or want to talk as well! My gmail is rainbowdark1978@gmail.com ♡
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And I gave you the email for the blog. If you send me one there, I’ll give you my personal account. I’ve had some trouble with someone kind of “stalking” me lately.
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Ah okay, I understand. My gmail isn’t my regular email, that one I won’t hand out in comments either, so like I said, I get it. 🙂
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