She wakes…

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She wakes up everyday loathing the sun and wishing death upon the birds. How dare they be so happy and delighted to embrace the day? Don’t they feel like their tiny lives are insignificant, too? Don’t they feel like the sun burns their soul and causes the hollowness to reverberate an energy of hate?

She hates birds. They are everything she isn’t. Happy and content in their lives. They fly without abandon to wherever they want to go, at whatever time they want to go there and are only worried about how many worms they might find that day.

She is envious. She then gets mad at herself for being envious. Isn’t that a sin? Isn’t it also stupid to be jealous of a bird? A bird with hardly a brain and a lifespan of a month or so. Ah, that’s the ultimate reason, she thinks. The reason to hate them with all that she has and is. They live such a short period of time that they don’t have time for the what if’s and can’ts of life. They live such a short period of time that they don’t have time to build relationships with others that will inevitably hurt them. They will never know the pain of rejection, defeat or will they ever know the fear of someone or anyone not liking, or even worse, liking them.

She laughs. A defeated laugh of pure submission. Must she start the day? Yes. Must she place her feet on the floor and move through a day she can only hope will bring her more pleasure than pain? Yes. Then she laughs again. Right? What’s pleasure?

So goes her day. She smiles through the pain of a clinched chest and tight lungs. She laughs at other’s jokes that her conscious knows are funny, but her subconscious feels she has no right to laugh at. Laughter means happiness and happiness she doesn’t deserve.

Someone sees her glance down at the floor for second. Only a brief second where her heart is open and the pain slips out, but this time someone sees it. She says she’s tired. Makes the excuse that she didn’t sleep last night. Hell, she blames it on those damn birds! Anything to stop the questions. Anything to stop someone caring. Anything to alienate herself to the point of oblivion. Push them away, she thinks. They won’t understand. They will laugh at her and then they will leave her. They will leave her and hurt her and make her feel even more worthless than she already knows she is. So, she lies. Again.

Lying only makes her day worse. She constantly questions herself. Do they know? Will they hate me more than they already do? Is judgement just a word away?

Time to go home.

To her bed, she thinks. To her happy place. The place where she is simply a being. A being without a light. No light to turn out. No light for anyone to see. Goodnight, world. How she wishes this was the last time she’d ever have to say that…

Written with love for those who struggle. Written to help you know that you aren’t alone. There is always someone who understands and because we understand, we always care.

 

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The Tieks Company Makes Me Smile..

I want to use my voice to raise awareness for a company that few know of, but a lot of people need to hear about. Tieks. Tieks. Tieks!

I have read a few reviews of these awesome flats for women, but I have yet to place one on my foot. EVERY review has said these shoes are amazing. That they last all day and beyond. That they feel like clouds on your feet and they make occupations in which standing on your feet is mandatory a simple endeavor.

I reached out to the Tieks company because I had some questions as a homeschool Mama. Would these flats work on a daily basis for someone who not only teaches, but keeps her own kids in check? That was what I wanted to know. I got an email in response! An email explaining how the shoes would work for a homeschool Mama, a paramedic off duty and someone with a thousand things on their plate. So many things, that shoes are the last thing that should be on their mind.

I am in no way affiliated with Tieks, nor have I purchased (yet) a pair of their flats (or have I been asked to review them). What I’m trying to tell all of you homeschool Mama’s and all of you out there simply searching for a company that cares, this is it! They care. They think what you have to say is important and actually value you as a customer, even before you’ve become one!

So, go to http://www.tieks.com, and experience a new kind of company. A company with employees that take time to listen to the public. A company that might actually be a throwback to past times when one could have an “experience” shopping, not just go through the motions and let the shopping experience you.

I said, “I DO!!”

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Well, well, well… It happened. After 13 years, two kids, countless fights, even more reconciliations and a heart full of love, I got married. That’s right, y’all! I got married.

Have you ever felt like your one true love was so far away and unattainable because of either your personal choices or just your personality in general? I have. Have you ever felt like no one could ever accept you, nor should they, in your true and basic form? I wonder if all people feel this way or is it just a self esteem that some people have.

A little history…my Husband and I are chemically and emotionally attached. He gets me. He loves me. I mean, he LOVES me. All of me. My down days, my up days, my sad days, my ill days, my ugly days and my beautiful days. Somehow, I got lucky enough to meet a man that thinks I’m pretty great. A man that thinks I’m beautiful. And a man who’s family is like a fairy tale. Is it perfect? Nope. But, I love them and they love me. Can one gain a mother and a father in one day? Yes.

C is my person. C is my best friend. C shows me that love is blind to all things mental health wise and all things that we may feel as failures. I am lucky to know him. Lucky to be his friend. Lucky to be his best friend and now lucky to be his wife.

Is a relationship hard work? Hell, yes. Is it worth it when I see him sleeping on the couch with his little feet crossed? Yes.

Things have happened in our relationship that neither one of us are proud of. Neither one of us wants to revisit again. Time heals all wounds. If two people live in harmony every single day of their lives, someone is lying. Someone is being fake and someone is tortured internally with a fire that no one can put out. An explosion is imminent. It will be ugly. It will be embarrassing and that person may lose the one thing they are trying to protect.

Being Real.

Is it possible? Can we talk to ourselves, dance while we cook, pee in the shower or watch sappy, stupid shows that we’ve seen a hundred times and cry like it’s the first time we’ve seen them? Yes. If you say no, then you’re lying. Truth is truth. My Husband knows all of these things about me and still knows to stop on The Notebook, despite the fact that we have the DVD, every time it’s on. He knows that I love One Direction. Does he think it’s weird? Sure! But he just laughs and listens when he has too.

My Husband is beautiful. My Husband is generous. My Husband is a devoted father to our children and plays with them like he is a kid himself. He puts together a Lego set with the best of them and never complains to Doodle 2 about the fact that his back hurts. He simply praises a job well done and smiles to himself.

I married my true love. I surprised him with my own vows and I will end this blog post with them.

From the moment our path’s crossed you’ve surprised me, distracted me, captivated me and challenged me the way no other human being has.

I’ve fallen in love with you again and again. Countless times without reservation and I still can’t believe that today I get to marry my best friend.

I promise to be true to you, to uplift and support you, to frustrate and challenge you.

And share with you the beautiful moments of life.

And someday, if the stars align, I might even let you win an argument.

No matter what trials we encounter together or how much time has passed, I know our love will never fade.

That we will find strength in one another, and that we will continue to grow side by side.

I believe in the truth of what we are and I will love you always.

With every beat of my heart,

I choose you and I’ll choose you over and over.

Without pause, with out a doubt, in a heartbeat, I’ll keep choosing you.

My wish for everyone is that you find strength in these words. That you know that love is very real. I know I am lucky. I know I am one of the chosen few. I know that I am Mrs. Padgett now and my heart has never been so full. Full of hope, love, joy and a desire to tell the future to bring it on! Because I am ready. I am ready because I am strong. I am ready because my Husband is my foundation, I am his, and no matter what I do, I know he’ll never let me fall. We are a team. An unbeatable team and without a second thought, I put my life in his hands and know that I’m safe, secure and loved the way that I love him. Good, great, unperfect and beautiful.

She is the Homeschool Fairy

Can being in a slump effect our kids?

Sure.

Will we make mistakes?

Sure.

When we become Mama’s are we automatically infallible?

No.

So begins my post this Saturday morning.

I am in a slump, or funk, as you may say. My Mama duties have seemed so difficult the past week. Almost as if I’m moving in a pool of water. Slow and labored. Homeschool is hard, y’all. Homeschool is fun, but it’s easy to feel like you’re slipping and make a mistake. In more ways than one, it’s brought me closer to my children. In more ways than one, it’s made me more tired mentally than I ever thought I could be. I feel alone in my work. Unappreciated. I work hard to find stimulating resources that will help the Doodle’s along in their quest for knowledge. But, alas, I feel I am alone in this quest. I get so excited about finding new stuff and I swear when I get our books, I may throw a party. But, I’ll be the only one in attendance. I want to scream with excitement over fulfilling this dream. But, I might as well be screaming into a pillow. No one, and I mean no one, cares.

It’s as if all of these things just magically come from the homeschool fairies at night. Like a cobbler’s elves, they are tireless in their work.  The homeschool fairies find resources, print worksheets and when the printer is out of ink, they even handmake worksheets! They paperclip and staple. They sort and organize. They love a good binder! The fairies read books to be read. They highlight the most important parts and create handwritten “walks” through the literature to help with Doodle 1’s reading expression. They underline and bold print. They plan unit studies and lap books. The fairies plan projects and library lists. They even put all of the necessary library books for all of the subjects of the week on hold before we can even get to the library! They tape and cut. They even put note cards on the wall to help with sight word practice for Doodle 2! I love the fairies! I appreciate the fairies. I am the fairies…

Silence. No round of applause. Not even a thank you.

And so goes my journey this week. I will keep moving forward in my pool of water. Slow and steady wins the race, right?