What is normal?
What do you consider normal?
Are you normal? Are your friends and family normal?
What qualifies, y’all?
If I’ve learned anything in the last few weeks, it’s been that normal is a frame of mind. If you put yourself in the “box” of normal, you’re not living life the way it’s supposed to be lived. You’re confining yourself.
Normal is a definition. Are you a definition? Can you be defined? I think you can’t. I believe you are more than one word.
And with that said, we aren’t normal.
And come to think about it, I’m not sure we ever have been.
Chris has had a very hard four weeks. We, as a family, have had a very hard four weeks. I don’t think when we started this cancer journey that we could’ve ever been prepared for what was in store. I think we thought that Chris would have surgery, have a few weeks of healing and we’d go back our “normal” life in as much time.
We couldn’t have been more wrong, could we?
Chris has gone from having no words to now having some. He can almost speak in full (albeit short) sentences. His pain is managed well and his meds have titrated down to a tolerable amount. I’m not having to wake him up every two hours during the night to give him anything, although sometimes I still set my alarm just to check on him. It’s like having a newborn. If he sleeps too long, I worry. If he doesn’t sleep long enough, I worry.
Basically, I worry.
Day and night. He’s had so many things go wrong since his surgery that I feel as if it’s my duty to protect him from any and everything. And I do. I do it because I want him to be healthy. But, I also do it because I want him to be happy again. I want to see his smile and know that I put it there. I want to feel his embrace and know that there is strength in those arms. I am giving him my strength right now. Willingly and without a second thought. I give him everything that I am in hopes that he will return to me with that gorgeous smile and a heart full of hope and love.
He’s my foundation and he is everything to us.
But, is he normal?
The doctors have said so many times that his post op infection wasn’t normal. Well, it seems pretty normal to me.
They have said that his speech delay isn’t normal. Again, it seems pretty normal to me.
What I’m getting at is that normal isn’t normal. It’s just a word that people use to remain comfortable. Staying within the “norm” means that everything isn’t changing and you’re stagnant. Should you be content with stagnant?
I would never wish what I’ve been going through on any other soul. I’d never wish what Chris is and will go through on another person, but I would wish that you would look at your life in a new way.
Don’t be content with normal. Pain brings about change and if you’re changing, you’re moving towards a higher sense of being.
The strength that I’ve had to muster in the past few weeks has been exhausting. But, it has honestly come from somewhere, deep within me, that I didn’t know existed. If anyone had asked me even six months ago, if I could do what I do, day in and day out now, I’d have said absolutely not. I didn’t think I had it in me. I didn’t think that once my foundation was ripped out from under me that I could build my own. Quickly and without a second thought. I would have laughed in their face and said that I’m not good enough.
But, I am.
I’m not who I was. I’m not normal anymore.